2005-09-26 - 10:22 p.m.

I have a phobia of dentists. My earliest memory of a dentist office, which, no matter how many times or who I ask, cannot be corroborated by ANY member of my family, goes something like this- I’m in the standard dentist office position- laid back in a chair, got my mouth open way too wide, and the dentist and his mean helper BOTH have their evil hands jammed down my throat doing mean things to my 6-8 year old mouth (can’t remember). Something hurt real bad, and this is where the memory gets blurry. I don’t know how I managed this, but I made it out of that chair, out of the office, and ran screaming down the hallway before anyone could catch me. That’s all I remember. My mom says she has a vague memory of my traumatic experience, but she’s not sure. I don’t think I went back in, and I know for a fact that I didn’t go anywhere remotely near a dentist chair for almost 15 years. 15 years! I should have had rotten teeth, and for a brief period of time in the 12th year of my existence, I did have a rotten tooth- the one right next to a front tooth. I challenge you to find a picture of me smiling at age 12. Thank God for baby teeth. In college, I got a toothache that lasted for several, several weeks, and I finally confronted my fear (sort of) and went to the dentist. I found an ad in the paper for a dentist with the tagline “We cater to scaredy cats” and I called them. I remember having a mild panic attack while I was on the phone with the receptionist. She started asking me questions and I started stuttering and my heart started beating like a hummingbird’s and I started sweating…and the normal, sane Julie in the back of my mind was thinking, “Good grief! You’re not gonna make it in this world! It’s just the freakin dentist!” I was so nervous I had to take a shot of whiskey (followed by multiple mouthwashes with Scope) before my appointment with Dr. Evil. To make a long story short, I didn’t need it. It turns out Ken and Barbie (yes, THE KEN AND BARBIE- I have never seen 2 people who bear such striking resemblances to chunks of plastic) own a dental practice in Arkansas. I couldn’t believe my luck. The hygienist, Barbie, could tell I was terrified and she was so sweet to me I almost got another cavity! I apologize for that terrible joke. I sat in that chair and cried like a baby for a good 15 minutes with Barbie patting my hand and saying “Oh you poor thing...whenever you’re ready….awwwwww….!” It was apparent I would NEVER be ready, so Ken, the dentist, came in and was just as sugary. They talked me through every tiny thing they did, stopping several times when I jerked their hands out of my mouth and hyperventilated, and they didn’t stop smiling once. I have since decided they were both on Lithium. Nobody is that calm and patient. I didn’t get maimed by their drills or scary machines and I was so elated with this outcome that I waited another 5 years (last year) to go back- this time in California- and again, I wasn’t injured in the experience! I’m starting to see a trend. The point of this exploration into my dental misadventures is that today, I am officially cured! I went to a dentist in CHINA! Granted, all they did was clean and whiten my teeth, but I didn’t freak out once. There were a few moments that panic tried to set in, but Musak saved my life. The Chi-Lites’ “Have You Seen Her?” was blaring through speakers in the ceiling. I focused on trying to remember all the words, and then my mind starting wandering. My first thoughts were pondering the whereabouts of a Chi-Lites tape I bought in Arizona in 2001 on a cross-country trip, and then I went all the way back to the late 80’s, right at the point when MC Hammer had a go at the song. Then I started thinking about his video, and by the time I got back to thinking about being at the dentist- it was over! This growing up thing is kinda cool. I’m a little slow at it, but, hey, my teeth are white.

?lt;/P>

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