2005-04-07 - 7:16 p.m.

Oh My! That is all I can say about the last week of my life. I spent two days rehearsing a dance from the Peking Opera and then all day today recording a show for TV. The show is called “OK Star!” I think it is designed to make fun of foreigners. They could have said anything to me on that stage with the cameras rolling, and all I could do was nod and smile. “You stupid American!” (I imagined them saying) …cut to Julie, nodding and smiling. I need to back up a little bit. When I was contacted to do the show, they said I would first tap dance, then do a fighting/dance scene from the Peking Opera. They gave me 3 days to learn the dance. After the 2nd day, they decided I was ready. I WAS NOT ready at all. The dance required me to dodge and kick at sticks that 6 guys threw at me in a very choreographed manner, and those 6 guys were terrified of me! Those sticks were flying everywhere but the intended direction.

For some unknown reason, this was just fine with everyone. So they cancelled my 3rd day of practice. That was it. No mention of how bloody awful I was at this dance or how unsafe it would be to do this dance with live (as opposed to dead?) audience members. Someone was going to lose an eye. I arrived at the studio today to find a team of Chinese make-up artists waiting on me. No one mentioned that I would be dressed HEAD to TOE in Chinese garb! They even tied a string really tight around my head to make my eyes slant!!!

I am not kidding. They piled on make-up so thick I needed a chisel to get it off. The make-up lady completely hid my freckles, gave me exaggerated heart-shaped lips, and put this sticky, shiny, fake jet black hair on me. I looked like a mean Chinese lady. The hairpiece alone weighed at least 10 pounds. I had a hard time strategically kicking those sticks back to where they came from during rehearsal, but now I had this gigantic headgear to wrestle with too. I was seven kinds of nervous. I was just sure that I would topple over from all the extra weight during the shooting. Maybe that’s what they were hoping…that would really get the audience going. I’m convinced that foreigners just don’t look right in these get-ups. There was also a guy from Russia, a guy from Spain, and a girl from Canada there. Everyone performed their special skill, then attempted a Chinese “Challenge”. They looked silly in their Chinese clothes. I looked absolutely terrifying, to say the least. My .2 seconds of fame were over pretty quick. I dropped a few sticks, (they edit out all the bad parts)
gave menacing looks to the camera, and

kicked and dodged sticks.

I then got to do my tap dance,

and chat

(nod and smile) with the hosts and judges.

They all said I was the best talent they had seen in 3 years!!!!!! (said the translator!)Then to up the absurdity level of the show, they had me teach some simple tap steps to audience members.

At the end, they gave me a score (100- top score- I rule) and a prize. I could not have come up with a more bizarre “prize” if I was a Klingon from Star Trek. It was a gigantic Rubbermaid cooler ON WHEELS with a kiddie- wagon style, handle/pusher/puller thingy.

I thought maybe there was something inside it, and yes, there was something inside-CRUMBS! It was a freakin used-up old cooler! When the host lady wheeled it out and said in broken English “You know what is?” It took every bit of control I had not to fall down laughing. I just nodded and smiled some more as they handed over my “prize.” Someone in that building is out a large cooler with wheels. I know they just walked the halls searching for something remotely prize-worthy. Anyway, the highlight of the show came as I tried to walk off the stage with my wagon (oops I mean cooler). I wheeled it to several parts of the stage, trying to find a ramp or easy way to get it down. There was no back stage or side exit for me to take. It was a big, elevated, glass circle. Then I had to reverse the cooler and go in another direction. It was too big for me to pick up. There was no easy way for me to this treasure off the stage. At this point I was laughing so hard I was crying. Some man mercifully ended the insanity by picking it up for me and carrying it off the stage. Oh, and Mike, Joe, Levi (Mike’s co-workers), and Moi (a teacher I work with) were doubled over with laughter in the audience. They were too busy laughing at me to help. A Rubbermaid cooler with wheels and a steering handle. Seriously. Only in China.

?lt;/P>

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